If you ever visited my About page, you know that my motto is “everything you ever wanted is on the other side of fear ” (c) George Addair
Well, let’s talk about fears…
You know how when you’re not afraid of something, you can’t fully understand why other people are so intimidated by it? That’s me and boudoir. Whenever I hear: “I’d love to book a session but I’m so scared “, I start pulling my hair out in total confusion. So, I decided to do my own research and posted a question on my social media: What is your biggest fear of having a boudoir session? The response I got was incredible and I want to thank every single woman who opened up and expressed her concerns 🖤
While I know how scary it is to take that leap into the unknown, I’m here to tell you that there’s nothing to worry about!
First of all, it’s ok to be nervous! That means you’re out of your comfort zone. Fear is a mechanism that helps us to avoid physical harm or death. Yet we often use it to stay comfortable – to avoid challenges. But you know what, growth and comfort do not coexist. If you’re not careful, your fears and insecurities can trick you into a mediocre life. Stop wasting your precious energy to imagine what can go wrong, instead of having faith in what can go right.
“YOU MUST BE WILLING TO DO SOMETHING YOU’VE NEVER DONE BEFORE TO GET TO WHERE YOU’VE NEVER BEEN BEFORE.”
FEAR #1: I HAVE NOTHING TO WEAR
Ehm… then wear nothing! A bed sheet will cover you up just fine. So will a piece of fabric, a big scarf, a robe and there’s always implied nude option. Seriously, the wardrobe is the last thing you should be worrying about. The boudoir experience isn’t about fancy lingerie, it’s about you, and you can wear whatever feels good.
I cover extensively all the wardrobe options in my Prep Guide which my clients receive when they book All-inclusive experience with me. Plus I have an inspiration board on Pinterest literally for everything, including wardrobe ideas 😉
FEAR #2: BEING NAKED IN FRONT OF A STRANGER
I wrote a separate blog post about nudity in a session where I explained what happens and what’s not, but I want to tell you one more time, no photographer should push you into it if you never mentioned you want some nude shots.
FEAR #3: I WON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE OR TRUST A PHOTOGRAPHER
This is very important. Choose your photographer carefully. Take your time. Follow them online, connect with their past clients, pay attention to what their brand represents.
I, for example, offer a complimentary pre-shoot consultation. I rarely do them, unfortunately, because most of my clients are not local to me. But whenever it works for both of us, I love to meet for a cuppa and have a little chat to see if we are on the same page. When a consultation isn’t an option, I just send a million emails to get to know my client better and to make sure no questions are unanswered 🙈
FEAR #4: COLD
This made me laugh, but I decided to mention it. Have you ever watched America’s Next Top Model? I bet you have! We’re creating art, woman! Bear with me 😁 I always remember one of my mentors was saying while clipping model’s hair: ” If they’re not bleeding, keep doing your thing. They’ll be fine.” 😀
FEAR #5: I WILL LOOK SILLY AND NOT SEXY
One badass pole dancer once told me: ” trying to dance/look sexy always feels silly at first.” And it was such a relief to hear that from one of the sexiest women I know.
What really happens in a photo shoot. I’ll pose you from head to toes. And you will look sexy, trust me. I would never tell a client to go stand over there and give me some sexy poses. Think about it as a yoga class – lift your arms up, arch your back, exhale, relax your shoulders…that’s what I say to my clients and everybody nails it 💃
I’ll give you one practical exercise if you believe you and sexy are just two complete opposites. Find a song that turns you into a dirty stripper and stand in front of the mirror. Slide your hands up and down your body and notice how it makes you feel. If you think it’s “wrong and inappropriate” try to figure out what makes you think that. Practice until it feels natural.
FEAR #6: WHAT WILL OTHERS THINK OF ME?
Why. Do. You. Care? I want to quote a great book I read recently:
“Not everyone is going to get you, accept you or even try to understand you. Some people will just not receive your energy well. Make peace with that and keep on moving towards your joy. What people say about you says more about them than about you. When others judge you, they reveal themselves. They show their insecurities, needs, mindset, attitude, history and limitations. And they paint a clear picture of their future: they won’t go very far, or live a joyful life, if they’re wasting their precious time judging others.” – Vex King. Good vibes, good life.
I couldn’t have said it better. After all, we’re all going to die. Why do you choose to live your life pleasing others? Why it is so important to you? Nowadays, everyone is a critic (oh, how I love all those keyboard warriors!), but so few have the credentials. You attract what you tolerate. That’s why people with no boundaries of their own and narcissist vibrate toward each other. If you’re worried about what people think about you, they will think, they will hate, they will shame and destroy you regardless of what you do.
“THE GREATEST PRISON PEOPLE LIVE IN IS THE FEAR OF WHAT OTHER PEOPLE THINK.” – David Icke
FEAR #7: I’M TOO OLD FOR THIS
So what are you going to do about it? Wait until you are younger? You’re only as old as you think you are.
“I’m too old for ____(insert whatever)” is literally the silliest excuse I’ve ever heard. If we’re talking about boudoir, did you really have that much to celebrate when you were twenty apart from a young beautiful body? Look at you now. Look how far you’ve come! You’re wiser than you’ve ever been. And you’ve had time to explore yourself, build a family, and take on all the hardships life has thrown your way. The woman you’ve become deserves a tribute!
FEAR #8: I WON’T LIKE MYSELF IN THE PICTURES
That may well be true. And that’s ok. That’s why my policy is you only buy photographs you love. Because I don’t want you to leave my studio with a bunch of pictures you will never look at again.
Let me explain something.
You have no privilege to see what others see in you. For example, your face – when you laugh, when you cry, when you make love, your posture, that arch of your back. You’ve been staring at a reflection of yourself literally forever and when you see yourself from a different angle you cringe at first because it’s not what you used to see. And it’s very uncomfortable. But the more you look at the pictures the more comfortable you become with 3D-yourself.
Another thing, most likely you trained yourself to focus on your flaws and the moment you see a photograph you see just that one feature you hate in yourself.
One girl I follow on Instagram recently posted her rhinoplasty experience and I couldn’t believe it! I swear, I would never tell there’s something wrong with her nose. But for her, it was everything she could see. Go figure!
Try to see past your stretch marks, stray hair and other bits you think are not necessarily your best. Remember, it’s ok not to look smoking hot in every shot. Photography was originally invented to document reality, not beauty. I want you to look at your pictures and remember how you felt at that moment when they were taken.
FEAR #9: I WILL LOOK FAT
I saved the best for the last. Yes, that was the most popular answer. “I will look fat. I’m not happy with my body. I have body insecurities., etc.”
I get it! Some of us are trying to fit into an impossible ideal of perfection (me, for example, haha 😁 I bet, I’m not alone!). But the truth is, when we spend our lives waiting until we’re perfect before we show up, we ultimately sacrifice opportunities that may not be recoverable. (Took me 40 years to understand!)
Here is a tip girl – wardrobe is the key!! With the proper wardrobe, you are giving your photographer the ability to pose you any way they would like. By posing you properly, we will always make you look as good as you look in real life, if not better!
So take that excuse about your weight and throw it out the window. Because you know what? I’m really good at posing. I can do more with lighting, posing, and angles than you can do in 6 months at the gym. Really.
We ALL have body issues (even Becky with the good hair), which is all the more reason to have a boudoir photo shoot. There is no better day to start loving yourself and work on your confidence than today.
Confidence isn’t something you were born with. Confidence is a skill that you build through action. It is not: when I have confidence I’ll do this, that and that other thing too. It’s: I’ll take a leap because I want to feel more confident. It’s not: when I get courage, I’ll do XYZ. It’s: I’ll do XYZ courageously even though it scares the shit out of me.
“You may be afraid of finding out that you suck. Let me tell you what really sucks: being older and regretting that you never went for it. Being 30 and realizing you let fear of what your friends thought keep you from ever really putting yourself out there when you were younger. Friends, by the way, who you never talk to anymore. Being 56 and realizing you should have divorced your spouse ten years ago. Being 45 and wishing you had had the courage to take on a project at work that you now realize would have changed the trajectory of your career. Or sitting in college classes earning a degree to please your parents when knowing in your heart that you want to be doing something else with your life. There is no right time. There is only right now. You get one life. This is it. And it’s not going to begin again. It’s up to you to push yourself to make the most of it and the time to do it is right now.” – Mel Robbins. 5 Second Rule.
Remember, girl, what you’re not changing you’re choosing.
Truly yours, K.xx